Kye Part 2

What were you thinking about masculinity as you were transitioning? When you were 16 or 17 and thinking about fully transitioning, did those negative connotations of masculinity restrict in any way? 

Yeah a large part of what held me back was those norms, like the need to always focus on my physique and always be in charge. I was reluctant to engage with that kind of masculinity. Luckily, I had my uncles, brothers, father who didn’t fit that mold and realized I had a lot of options. I had male friends, but it was difficult. How men behave with women and girls around is sometimes a bit of a front. I didn’t always get the most authentic version of men or boys being themselves, because i was still being perceived as a girl. I didn’t get genuine expressions of guys until i was in college. 

So what makes you masculine? What makes you feel masculine? Earlier you said it doesn’t have a concrete form so what’s the difference between transitioning and not transitioning, and still doing the same things you do now? Can you elaborate on this?

I think it just makes me feel masculine to just be myself and interested in the things I’m interested in and not restrict myself. However, specially, I think a big part of masculinity and femininity is expression. It’s how you like to show up in a space. It’s the way I dress. It’s my hair and shoes. It could also be how I choose to walk, talk, and engage with people in a particular space. It’s the space I choose to go to. I think a part of my journey is recognizing I have a wide range of interests. I love sports. My dad and I watch two things together: romantic comedies and college football. Now that I carry myself as a man, those activities are now masculine. 

When you were watching romantic comedies or doing other things that are stereotypically feminie, did you feel like you were betraying yourself as a man. Like in order to fully become a man you’d have to let go of some of the things you like?

I remember I had an exchange student in high school and she loved to watch romcoms and Desperate Housewives. I’d watch with her. In my head i was like “I was like what am I doing?” I’m a guy and shouldn’t be watching Desperate Housewives. It’s geared towards women. However, growing up with parents who allowed us to express ourselves, it made me ok with being a guy who just likes a bunch of things. I liked doing what I did even if they were more stereotypically feminine or masculine. 

You said you had a lot of female friends? Did that seem that was restricting your ability to fully transition?

I don’t really remember feeling that way. I didn’t think i was missing anything until i was a part of an all male space group which was the men’s frisbee team. In high school, It was like these are the people I’m comfortable with and that was it. I  think part of it was sexual orientation. By the time I was in high school, I knew I was guy who was bisexual, pansexual or queer (I use those interchangibly). I think i leaned into the stereotype of being a gay man and having mostly female friends. I was accepting my role in this space as being the token guy/queer. That gay male stereotypes can be restrictive but that also opened me to a more fluid gender presentation. 

Do you think that if you didn’t find the support like you did on the frisbee team, you wouldn’t have fully transitioned? Maybe if you went to a different school and joined another frisbee team?

I think would’ve tried to find another space, maybe exclusive queer space. It also probably would’ve changed my views on masculinity that I have now and who I reached out to. However, I was feeling a lot of gender dysphoria at the time and I don’t think it  wouldn’t have changed my choices around physically transitioning my body. I remember having a hard time my first couple years of college years (pre chest surgery) with gender dysphoria. 

Do you think the chest surgery helped you figure out how to become masculine? Or was it something you just thought you had to do to become a man. 

It was more of a tool to express myself. Having chest surgery was a way of alleviating my gender dysphoria and the feeling of disconnect from my body which I was struggling with from 13 to like 19. When I got chest surgery, I felt so much better. I felt much better about myself and my body and didn’t change how I felt about masculinity, just my own body. It did increase my confidence

Did it give you the immediate satisfaction?

Yeah it was amazing how black and white it was for me. One day I was feeling gender dysphoria and one day I’m not. I’d already been on testosterone for a year so my body’s weight was shifting and my voice was dropping. Those were a more gradual process and ended up leveling out after about 3 years. The chest surgery was more immediate. When I told the frisbee team about it, they were so supportive and loving. It was really meaningful to share that momentous occasion with them. When we got back to school I was taking off my shirt all the time. I didn’t want to put one on. I was so happy. 

Yeah there’s something masculine about taking off your shirt and showing off your body. I’m very glad you’re happy with your body. How do you feel nowadays with your body?

My confidence has only increased because I’ve been able to move further away from feeling oppressed by my body.