Kye Part 1

Kye is a queer, transgender, vegetarian Michigander. He graduated undergrad in 2015 with majors in Africana Studies and Gender, Sexuality, and Feminist Studies and he is currently nearing completion of his master’s degree in Community-Based Education. He loves college football, beagles, penguins, word/logic puzzles, and books (with a particular love for Harry Potter). Kye works in prevention education around preventing intimate partner violence and sexual assault. Kye believes deeply in the power of knowledge and hopes to never stop learning new things.

What does masculinity mean to you? 

I often think about masculinity as a concept with no concrete form. My view on masculinity and coming into my own masculinity in college is probably different than a lot of other people’s. I saw a lot of different kinds of masculinities, I had my dad, my brother, my cousins, and my uncle. Starting in college, I had the ultimate frisbee team I was a part of. They all gave me a lot of views of what masculinity could be. 

It sounds like there were a lot of people influencing you. What led you to those people? Especially as you transitioned, how did you know what forms of masculinity from those people were ones you wanted to take on?  

A lot of things. We think of masculine men as men who are charismatic and draw people towards them. I knew men like that who could engage and room and were out going. However, I had to be realistic with myself because I’m not that kind of person. My role models were mostly men who treated others really well, they were empathetic, and cared about the people around them. They led by example. 

Specifically, there were two guys on my frisbee team that were people who I wanted to be.I was close to them and I often reached out to them when I was having a hard time. One of them was J.H (an upperclassmen frisbee player)who really acted like a big brother. He was protective but in a caring way. He gave me a good example of what strength means. It’s using it to build others up around you rather than using strength to dominate. Another person was A.K (an upperclassmen frisbee player)who had a great ability to build trust. You knew you could trust and rely on him. Both those people helped me see how good those relationships between men can be. How supportive and positive we can be towards each other. It doesn’t always have to be a challenge or domination. Our relationships can be compassionate and empathetic. 

Was this the first time where you saw these very intimate, compassionate relationships between men? Was this when you started to decide what kind of masculinity you wanted to be?

In a sense, yeah. Before undergrad, I was out as trans and a guy. However, I’d lived in the same community for all my life and it was really hard to change people’s perception of me. So it was difficult to be who I wanted to be and also figure that out. When I went to college, no one knew me or of my past. I didn’t know who I wanted to be. I hadn’t been in a situation where I could find those male role models before that. I had my parents and they’re great, but they’ve grown up different. They’re a little older and grew up in a different time. They were how I wanted to be a person but not a man. To figure out being a man socially and emotionally, I had to engage with a lot of people and expressions of masculinity to see what I was comfortable with. 

It’s great that you had so many men that you could open up to and also would open up to you. Being vulnerable like that is definitely not the norm, but you kind of have to do that for others to reciprocate that kind of vulnerability back. When no one does it, it turns into one big negative, unhealthy feedback loop.

Yeah, I was watching something today that men are taught not to be vulnerable and not express certain feelings. I came to college with a lot of those preconceived notions of masculinity in tv, movies and guys in high school, but I had never been one of the guys. So i guess it seemed like that was that. When I joined the men’s ultimate team in college, that was a really powerful experience for me. I had a fear that people wouldn’t see me as a guy, but then I saw the compassion and support that I got from other guys in that space. These experiences shaped how I grew into my masculinity. It’s really hard the first time you’re vulnerable with someone. It was scary, but then I appreciated being able to be vulnerable with people in that space because it brought out vulnerability in other people. It led to genuine, authentic connections that are still powerful in my life. 

When you are more willing to let men, or really anybody, know what is going on, they’ll let you know what’s going on with them. When you open up, it leads to more doors and especially in supporting each other. I know a fair number of guys who can only be open with their moms, sisters or girlfriends. Only female bodies. I’m like why don’t men open up to each other? A lot of times we have similar experience. A lot of humanity is lost by not being able to make those connections

I know you work with many young men, mostly high school students, do they open up right away or do you have to dig information out of them?

It usually takes a few sessions. The first session or two they’re closed off, but by the later sessions they’ll say stuff that they never thought they’d be talking about. We do this thing called the man box. We talk about the things men are supposed to be and what happens when men don’t fit in that box at the end of the day. A lot of the times they’re insulted by being called names that are meant to be feminine, like telling someone you play like a girl. A girl or gay is the worst thing, but what does that teach us about women?

That’s a really interesting exercise. I’m sure that for a lot of young men it’s the first time they’re hearing it’s ok not to fit in that box. When these young men start to open up, how do their peers respond?

It depends on the group, I’ve had guys open up and be met with disbelief and skepticism by their peers. There are other guys that were met with a lot of support from their friends. I wish it was more uniform. It’s a big hurdle to get them over the idea that you don’t always have to be tough and independant. Sometimes I can’t get them fully over the hurdle, but it’s satisfying to see growth. It’s that growth piece that I love. I see them grow as individuals and their relationships with each other. 

Do you see their thought processes in yourself? And does it help in coming to realizations about your own life?

There’s so many things so deeply ingrained in us. I’m sure yes, but I’m not always thinking about it. I also had a very different high school experience than most those boys.  When I was 14, I came out to my friends and brother. At 15, I came out to my parents. And overall I came out more publicly around 16. I didn’t start medically transitioning until I was 18. This was partially because I was a competitive cross country runner. By the time I had graduated I had some offers to run but I didn’t because I wanted to transition. 

I thought I had to give up sports, but then I started playing in frisbee pickup games with the team. I remember they were splitting the women’s and men’s team and I wasn’t sure which one I should join. I remember asking K.E (an upperclassmen frisbee player) which team I should join because I’m trans. She was like “whatever you’re comfortable with,” and it was the first time where I was able to choose for myself a decision I never thought about making. I didn’t even think it was my choice until she asked me. I think it’s why I ended up doing frisbee. I didn’t think I’d find that in the sports world. Knowing I could medically transition and still be included in a team was huge. I remember one of the men’s captains pulled me aside and made sure I was welcomed and supported 

I was questioning my gender by the time I was 11, I didn’t really have words for it then. I knew I was a guy by 15 or 16. Starting then, I was getting in the space of knowing who I was, but not knowing how to tell other people who I was. Having people reach out to me was really important to me. Being supported in the way I was already acting and behaving meant a lot. In fact, it was more tolerated and encouraged than before. 

When you were reached out, did it feel like you were being singled out? Like you just wanted to be left alone. You just wanted to be a part of the guys without having it be a thing. 

It was helpful for me, but I can see other people taking it the other way. Some of the guys could tell I was unsure and wasn’t really comfortable going to some things. I was hesitant to put myself in some space and I think that really showed. They were offering themselves as resources and that was really helpful. I was a shy freshman. Being actively supported was really helpful to me. They were responding to how I acted. I didn’t really have that confidence at that point. 

It sounds like you were being exposed to so many new spaces. College itself was a new space and then you were now a part of a male space and a new sports space. On top of it, you’re just trying to figure yourself out. I’m glad you were to bring it together especially with the help of the guys on frisbee. That doesn’t always happen. A lot of times on sports teams they’ll drive you out if you’re different. How was it when you were on your girls cross country team?

I came out to people at different times but totally by my junior year of high school. There were several other kids who were really actively supportive and took the time to understand what it meant to be trans. The culture on the team was pretty supportive.It was also an Individual sport so I wouldn’t really have to interact with people I didn’t want to. The girls and boys team also ran together so it wasn’t a gendered space. It wasn’t like “you’re a boy and you need to go away.” There were a couple who were a little homophobic but the dominate culture on team was inclusive and supportive.

You said the boy team and girls team ran together. Do think it helped with the transition, because in a sense you were a part of the boys team? 

I can see where that helped, but I didn’t really feel like I was a part of the boys team. I didn’t really put myself in that space. I’d been on the girls team from middle school to high school. There wasn’t really a space where I could transition. Also socially. I wasn’t really in a position to. Many of my friends were girls and they gave me a lot of support and it also made me feel safer.