Our writer Ossiana, decided to sit down with Jay Knight, a proud pansexual demiboy and adult entertainer who’s quickly gaining love from every corner of the net. Here’s what he had to say about his experiences with masculinity.
Let’s start with the basics. What do you do in the adult entertainment field? Do you perform solo or with others?
Currently I am working only on solo work only, while I build a profile and reputation. I am also fully exploring my comfort levels so I can be sure to create content I can be comfortable and happy with, when I do work with others.
Though I’ve had offers to collaborate with others, I want to make sure I establish my own style. I have a close relationship with my fanbase, I wouldn’t want to do anything to harm that as they have been the ones who have got me this far.
What got you into the adult industry?
Haha, it’s probably the most common ‘clean’ question I get. I originally started because I was on OnlyFans as a fan, I was then asked by a creator to do something for them, I enjoyed it and they told me that I had a lot of potential and a clear passion. I continued to do a few things privately for some creators until they said I should release it. So I did and here I am.
What does masculinity mean to you?
JMasculinity as I have come to see it and what it means and has meant to me changed a lot over the years. In my formative years, it meant to be strong, show no weakness and ‘be a man,’ whatever that meant.
If I was told that I was being a man or to be a man in a certain situation, it basically meant the opposite of what I was doing. So doing physical tasks, or playing sports was manly. Cooking or using my intellect was not seen as manly.
Did sex work ever have an impact on what masculinity means to you?
Honestly, I feel my fellow sex workers have a much more nuanced understanding of masculinity than the majority of the public. Among that community I feel they have helped shape my views about masculinity as I have outlined above. I think I hadn’t truly had an in depth reflection of masculinity until I became a content creator. Though I have been told that among male creators I am more respectful and value others more than some.
On the other side of the coin, I have seen the more aggressive and dark side of masculinity when entitled fans demand content for free and treat those who are offering content/sex services as beneath them because they are masculine ‘alphas’ and think they deserve free content from the ‘whore’ that sells it online who must ‘want it’. It’s actually made me realize how much I don’t identify as masculine in many respects, because I would never think any less of someone just because of the job they chose to do.
How has being a sex worker impacted your view on masculinity, if it ever has?
This is likely a biased answer, as my content is very inclusive, so it means I take in traditionally no masculine roles of being the one who is submissive or being penetrated. It’s hard to judge how others have seen me, because I’m not sure I get their honest view or opinion but I would say that people assume I am more submissive as a result.
The usual question I’m asked is if I do content for ‘men’. When I say I do it for everyone it definitely results in a slight change in how they talk to me. But I have tried to surround myself with people who accept me for me, and don’t judge me based on my ‘masculinity’.
Was there ever a moment where you felt like you had to say or do something to be a man?
I can think of many things I felt I had to do to be a man. You know, always be the driver, know how to fix things, know how to use tools, try to figure it out (i.e. not ask for help)…Play and enjoy sports, be interested in women for their physical appearance vs their intellect or personality…
Looking back now, I realize how warped it was and how it stunted my own development of who I actually am. Because it was at odds with ‘being a man,’ I find it hard to associate myself with even calling myself male because it’s wrapped up in such a complex set of garbage societal rules and conventions that are so archaic. Maybe my experience is unique as I grew up in the country where ‘men were men’.
So, one of the things you’re famous for is being pansexual. As a pansexual man, was there ever a moment where you felt you had to double down on masculinity to prove that you were “man enough?”
Oh absolutely. I had to hide my pansexuality even try to suppress it to myself and try to camouflage. I played all kinds of sports, mostly physical ones, and always knew how to do things with tools or DIY. I tried to know as much as I could and not ask for help. I’d also try to be the one who could eat the most and drink the most, to be the most ‘manly’. Which led to health issues I’m still dealing with years after.
But coming out as pansexual and demiboy has let me be more caring, as well as more expressive/communicative about who I am and my feelings. I never feel like I have to hide my true emotions anymore like I used to. But I still face questions as to why I’m not doing X or Y because I still have masculine physical features so people expect me to be that archetype.
I have to ask…What on earth are “manly foods?”
Oh, the most unhealthy stuff, usually fried foods, or heavy protein. So burgers, fries, beef, steaks, even ordering giant sandwiches because yeah I can eat that watch me. Also anything spicy, I like spice, but there’s flavorful spice, and eating to prove you can spice.
Too often it fell into that latter category, and if another person ate spicier I had to compete in some weird bullshit machismo requirement. Looking back I’m ashamed at all of this behavior.
There’s no need to be ashamed, trust me. Was there ever a voice that made you say, “Hey, none of this makes sense!”?
I always had that voice in the back of my head saying that. But it wasn’t until I moved away from family and friends to the States from the UK that I had time to stop and really think about myself, without outside influence or historical perspectives from people clouding my view.
It’s still an ongoing process, and it feels like each day I realize something that was part of who I was, is not part of who I am anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever stop reevaluating what it is to be me because for 20+ years, I was playing a role everyone else wrote for me.
I feel like a lot of people understand that feeling. More than you’d expect. Now, you’re from the UK?
I moved to the States 10 years ago.
Sweet. Welcome! I have to ask, did you ever feel like there was a difference between American masculinity and British masculinity?
That’s a really good question. It’s hard to really decipher it. I think culturally, it’s very different, even state to state. In the South where I am currently, hunting and gun culture is so intertwined with masculinity. I’ve been shooting at the range and I’ve always treated it as a practice and with respect but people turn into kids around them and it’s terrifying.
I think British masculinity is a lot more tied up in sport, drinking and cars. American masculinity is much more tied to sexual prowess and….Conquest of others?
Sounds about right.
Yes, it seems much more geared towards, “I must be the best and will step on people to be the best.”
Yep. Definitely a vibe I’ve noticed here.
In Britain, this is less prevalent, but also partially due to the fact that society doesn’t react well to those who build castles on the graves of others in England. Money talks less in Britain, I guess. Flaunting wealth is gaudy in Britain.
Back to the topic at hand. Did you ever feel scared that you’d be ostracized for not being “man enough?”
Oh totally. My family is filled with very ‘manly’ men. If you weren’t watching bigger sporting events, that was weird. If you weren’t getting a drink on a Friday night, there was something up. If you weren’t pursuing a woman, there was something wrong with you. I was often guilty of not doing all three of those instead enjoying playing games or reading a book or just learning something.
Also growing up in the country, everyone knew who you were and all eyes were on you. If you didn’t act in the normal social parameters you were suddenly the ‘hot topic.’
“Did you hear about Jay, he’s going to go shopping in London instead of playing football with the lads!” Oh, the implication being that you were gay and therefore no longer a man. It’s a really complicated social dynamic I’ve tried to explain before but it never truly puts over the pressure you had on you from a young age to conform. Or else be beaten into conformity by peer pressure and constant ridicule and harassment.
That’s pretty terrible. Was there ever a moment where you clapped back at someone? If so, how did that go?
Haha, “clapped back” might be strong for my response. I am a curious case because at 6’ 8” people would rarely fight back at me if I said something. I have been told I’m a gentle giant, if I say something then you know you fucked up.
Honestly I have never said anything about it for myself, I’ve dealt with it long enough that I have defense mechanism I’ve developed for better or worse. But when someone said something about one of my best friends who is gay, I immediately told them that they need to be quiet as they are kinder, nicer and more of a man than they would ever be and anything said about them will mean having to talk to me about it.
Same with my current bestie who is a lesbian. Someone made a comment about her only being a lesbian for X and Y reason (they are to vile to repeat) I just leant over and told them to get up and leave immediately.
I don’t know why I won’t do this for myself, but when others I care about are questioned for not being a ‘man’ or fitting into a societal norm I will always defend them, I’ll never physically threaten, but I will use my presence to ensure they understand that it’s not okay. Most people are cowards when confronted.
I usually will disassociate myself very fast from anyone who says something, I’ll give them a second chance after the initial incident but after that I will cut them out. You can rarely change people’s minds but you can isolate them so they have no voice to spew vile hate.
Did you notice a shift on how masculinity is discussed online?
I think online we have two distinct responses: either all masculinity is toxic, or masculinity is under threat. The internet moves to extremes. While I agree the concept of toxic masculinity is important, to dismiss all masculinity as toxic is harsh as some people who identify as wholly masculine have a more modern interpretation of it. But the word masculinity is so tainted at this point that it needs a new term.
Masculinity isn’t inherently bad, it just is, it’s how people perceive and use it to excuse actions. In the same way that femininity isn’t inherently bad or good it just is. But masculinity is now tied up so heavily with machismo and aggressiveness, it’s difficult to divorce the concepts. Even my own answers above struggle with this.
I think the dialogue in the last decade has changed from how masculinity is under threat to how masculinity can coexist with other concepts and not dominate it (in academic respects anyway). I think people still have their own views or masculinity and it usually means a knee jerk or instant reaction, I sure few sit down and analyze if what they think of masculinity is what masculinity truly is. There is a world of difference between toxic masculinity and modern masculinity as a concept of being.
I struggle daily with my own interpretation of it and it’s something at the forefront of my mind. I hope we are continuing dialogue and advancement towards actual discussion and not throwing vague ideas back and forth without examining the root cause but that’s probably too much to ask at this point of intertwining masculinity with many other topics and subjects.
We all hear about toxic masculinity, but what about benevolent masculinity?
This is something that I feel people don’t consider. Masculinity as a concept is not inherently toxic it just so happens that the human brain has a negativity bias out of evolutionary need to plan for the worst. It’s human nature to do so but as sentient beings we need to be aware of the inherent bias we also bring to the table when discussing those ideas and concepts.
What are some positive masculine traits that you want to see embraced more by men?
Caring for those who need help, assisting those who require it, being a good role model to others. I’m sure there are others but they may sound like being a good person but that should be part of masculinity and femininity. They should both exist primarily for the benefit of people as a collective.
Anything you want to tell younger guys about what it means to be a man? Perhaps some advice from an adult entertainer?
Think about your actions, don’t forget to make sure that others you interact with are treated with respect and kindness. If you make an error, apologize and respect the wishes of others. You can’t be a successful, happy person if it’s built on the backs and bodies of others. Above all endeavor to try to bring happiness to everyone you meet and be a positive influence on the world.
