Lately, I was hanging out at a restaurant when I overheard two guys talking about something. The two of them were music artists in the local scene, and that’s where the conversation got interesting. One of them sighed and said, “I’d love to get a groupie or something, but let’s face it, that hashtag ‘metoo’ bullshit stopped that from happening.”
I was both disappointed and a little relieved to hear that at the same time. The truth is that most men around me don’t really know how to figure out if a girl’s into them and are wary of having a fling out of concern of a girl claiming they were assaulted. Well, I thought, it’s better for them to err on the side of caution, I guess.
Then again, I have reason to see things the way I do. The #metoo movement actually really improved my life and gave me the courage to speak about what happened to me.
The School Slut
As a Millennial, I am a product of the 90s and early 2000s school culture. It was a time that was uniquely misogynistic. Slut-shaming was around every corner, and girls were amazingly good at picking apart other girls based on their bodies. And, it was an environment that was heavily based on “guilty until proven innocent.”
Girls like me, who developed early, were never found innocent.
During school, I was never spoken to unless I was having sex with someone. I mean this quite literally too. Girls hated me because guys might’ve wanted my boobs or something. Guys actually liked to talk to me (when they took time to do so) but would never actually be caught dead with me. That was social suicide, after all.
The way I was treated led to serious mental health problems, and even ended with me getting trafficked at one point. Yes, I lay the blame squarely with the people who were my classmates. It would have cost them nothing to drop the slut-shaming and just treat me with an iota of empathy, but it cost me everything to recover from their abuse.
Because it was “just the way things were,” I was told not to report it. I was called crazy or a liar when I called out people for lying about sleeping with me. I was called ugly, stupid, and a homewrecker when guys lied to me about being with someone.
The damage was profound and long-lasting. I had no concept of consent until my mid-20s, because most of the time, I got cowed into sleeping with people because I was terrified of saying no. The consequences could be worse, I figured. That’s what I was told or hinted at, anyway.
Besides, people lied about sleeping with me all the time. It didn’t matter what I wanted, said, or did. I was always the bad one. Victim-blaming people didn’t just continue in school. I remember telling a nurse I was raped after I woke up in a pool of my own blood. Her reply was, “You probably shouldn’t have provoked him.”
I’m not going to lie. I’m still not okay and I have zero resources to help me heal from being abused that way. Even getting an ESA or service dog has proved impossible. I still have a hard time believing I matter to anyone. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, and yet I am very sure that I was not the only girl who was treated this way by classmates of this era.
What happened to the guys who did this? Nothing. They went on to live nice, happy lives. They have wives, despite what they did to me. Somehow, I guess their partners are okay with that. They have kids. Some have daughters. So far for karma, right?
What’s The Deal With #MeToo?
So, you might be wondering why #metoo is coming up. Well, it’s only recently I was able to feel safe enough to admit what happened to me. And it’s only recently that I was able to openly discuss and call people out on what they did to me. So, uh, #metoo, I guess.
I see things both ways here—as a victim who spoke out and as a friend who’s seen people abuse this movement for their own gain. At first glance, it looks like an attack on men, but it’s not.
You’re probably wondering why #metoo is a good thing for guys, considering that the wrong girl can literally ruin an innocent guy’s rep. Well, the answer from what I’ve seen is actually quite counterintuitive: it gives men something they didn’t have before. It gives them the gift of accountability.
Accountability Is Important
Accountability is a lot like getting tube socks for Christmas. It’s a gift that no one really wants to get, but it’s still a gift and it’s useful. Being held accountable forces you to see people in a different light and also forces you to become a better person.
Some of the people who assaulted me or were abusive to me while I dated them are getting called out by others. Not too long ago, they were able to brush it under the rug and give their own spin to the story—a spin that made them look like the wronged party. Well, #metoo made people question the stories they told. Lo and behold, the truth came out.
The funny thing about this is that they no longer can get away with the kind of stuff they did in the past. People know. And now, they are forced to confront their behavior. They can either work to become better people, or watch as people give them the cold shoulder. Or arrest them.
Enforcing Boundaries, Healthy Dating
One thing I noticed is that men are socialized to stomp on boundaries and not take no for an answer in the world of flirting. This is why men are often confused about whether a girl likes them, or feel lost on how to approach them. At times, they don’t know what to expect when it comes to consent.
This isn’t their fault. We live in a sick society that lowkey suggests that “50 no’s and a yes is still a yes.” (Hint: It’s not. It’s a sign she just gave up and wants to get it over with because you’re acting creepy and she wants you to go away and you don’t care that she’s uncomfortable.)
The thing is, a lot of guys know when they’re being predatory, creepy, or overly sexual. They know, but they don’t care because they can play dumb. Oddly enough, #metoo also helped women call these types of men out on their predatory behavior.
Seeing the blowback some guys get when they get called out on their fucked up behavior is a good learning point for guys these days. It helps regular ol’ misguided guys figure out what not to do when they’re hitting on a girl as a result. After all, one wants to be that guy.
Oddly enough, the risk of a blowback due to their behavior is enough to make a lot of people who genuinely have no interest in doing the right thing behave better. Going viral for catcalling a girl isn’t something any guy in his right mind would want. #Metoo means that’s a bigger possibility.
Seeing Sluts As Human
Admittedly, I’m a sexual person. But, that doesn’t mean I deserve abuse. That’s another side of #metoo. In the 90s, and even as late as the 2010s, it was pretty common to blame victims. It was common to stigmatize sexual women and just use them as the communal punching bag.
I didn’t deserve that. No one deserves that just because they have a sexy look or nature!
Being sexual doesn’t stop you from being human. I have goals, interests, and dreams. So does everyone else—regardless of how many people they slept with or what stuff they do in the bedroom. Being able to call out sexual abuse forces people to see the human side of people like me.
But, it’s a matter of accountability again. There’s one aspect that men often overlook about the #metoo movement. Women often find girls labeled “sluts” to be an instant enemy. It’s a dehumanizing term, because we often aren’t seen as people by our own gender. Sexual women are often seen as threats, and nothing more.
Guys, you can wield the power of #metoo to be our ally. Men can also use the new movement as a way to call out the misogyny often found between women. In other words, men can hold women accountable the next time they start slut-shaming a girl.
Honestly, I’ll be real. A lot of girls need to be policed about the way they treat other girls. They can be downright vicious to each other. Being called out by a guy who is friends with a “woman of ill repute” can easily be the push that some girls need to hit the pause button.
Moreover, it’s also a good learning point for guys. Guys who are able to call out other guys’ toxic behavior are sorely needed these days. By offering a lot more acceptance and sex positivity for girls, everyone benefits. This is doubly true for guys, because that means they won’t get judged for who they date or even befriend.
We Need To Move Forward
When I think about my life back in the day, I wince. It makes me angry that I literally had my mind break because people were so horrible to me. And yet, it also makes me happy. I see so much more sex positivity for both men and women these days—not to mention public callouts of the disgusting double-standards society has surrounding sexuality.
With a little hope and a lot more accountability, I hope we can see a kinder, more empathetic society. After all, my daughter will start dating soon. My main prayer is that she’ll have a better experience than I did and that she’ll hopefully never have to say #metoo like I did.
