Terry is a biology undergraduate student who is soon to graduate. He grew up in China prior to college. His cross-culture experience and a tendency to try different things/ways of thinking, has shaped how he feels about himself and the world. He has enjoyed and spent a lot of time learning things, but has recently felt an urge and necessity to actively reflect. He is happy to share some experience that may not be representative of where he comes from but may be informative in some ways for the reader.
What does masculinity mean to you, Terry?
When I was very young, it was something people really believed in and there were certain traits that you are expected to have as normal for your gender. When you’re not fitting it, you could feel pressure. You could be judged by people and that feels bad. I’m fortunate enough for having a family that is a little bit more open-minded about that. So, they raised me to be a more independent person and try new things.
I have experiences from social interactions in school where people were like “you’re not being man enough” or “you are being like a girl.” Even then, I felt like it was something not right about that even though a lot of people were persisting this value. I felt like it may not be the righteous thing. When I became older, I began to realize my peers and I were suffering trying to fit masculine norms and certain values. That’s when I started to feel like it could be totally wrong, it could be totally made up.
When I began my college, I learned pronouns and the concept of gender. That’s when I began to realize that all my previous confusions and suffering about masculinity made sense. I wasn’t wrong for doubting masculinity like I did.
I guess to answer your question, it’s definitely a cultural concept that we should challenge and think about how it has shaped our experience. Maybe even try creating a more comfortable environment for like everyone.
Was there ever a specific experience when you were trying to live up to that norm and you failed and felt awful?
I guess this is not a very specific experience but a general feeling. In my childhood, during my middle school or high school, we often heard people judging others saying “a boy is being girl-ish” and I just felt a little bad because I’m being silent and will sometimes laugh with them. Because I’m in that environment and I want to just do what everybody else does. It did not feel great because I could have done something even though it may have caused a conflict. A lot of those experiences could have harmed someone else who is being the subject of those criticisms.
Growing up in China and now living in America, do see a difference between Chinese masculinity and like American masculinity?
I feel like I don’t really know what American masculinity is like. I know in China it’s being strong, not crying.
Where did you get these ideas of what makes someone masculine?
When you’re having a moment and people are judging you for not being man enough, that’s when you kind of understand what is abnormal for a man or a boy. There’s sayings in China saying that men should not easily cry. If you talk in a soft voice, gentle and high pitched, you could be regarded as talking like a girl. That kind of experience tells you what you were culturally expected for your gender.
Who were these people telling you that? Was it your friends, your peers, your classmates, your family or just general popular culture?
I would say like general popular culture. Growing up, I cared a lot about what people thought of me. I still have been thinking a lot about how to become the person and good character from other people’s perspective.
I think you said Chinese masculinity is something that’s very pronounced. Did you ever feel like you were kind of like insulting your culture when going against norms of masculinity?
No, not really. I still value my culture a lot and my experiences in China, but I don’t think I’m insulting my culture for being critical of Chinese masculinity. Also,I don’t feel like these Chinese values of masculinity is not a unique case in China. It happens in other places in the world as well
What’s your dad like?
My dad is definitely a traditionally valued masculine man. He makes a lot of family decisions and is more traditionally dominant, but he’s not mean at all. He has been caring and supportive but like I could feel that like there are some values he has that I just did not agree. He’s a really good father but just embraces some of these traditional norms
Is he ever critical of you?
Definitely, but not for being masculine enough. That’s something that I found interesting because I could have been told a lot to man or something like that. That kind of criticism rarely happened. So, I think that even though my parents grew up in an environment with more traditional values, they never forced them upon me. I think it’s interesting and I’m glad that they never forced that upon me.
I remember one time that my mom’s told me that the wish to be attractive is not just a girl thing. Everybody could value it and if you want to be attractive or beautiful that is perfectly normal and you should be comfortable with that.
Would you say your mother had a greater role in influencing your masculinity now than your father?
Yeah, I would say my mom challenged views of masculinity that I experienced in school or interactions with people. So, yeah, I would say my mom has influenced me more than my dad.
